this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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