When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
sarcasm needs its own font
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
