i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
