Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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