Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
