He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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