I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
