I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
