Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
