Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
