Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
