The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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