this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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