someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
