he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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