At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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