Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
