You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Randomize
