sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
