babies were throwing up all over the place
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
