i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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