i always forget guys have bellybuttons
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
