When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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