the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
