Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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