Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
