Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
