I hate your face
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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