i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
