I accidentally burped into my bong.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Drunk is not a location!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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