drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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