9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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