they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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