I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
