stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
