he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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