and next time when you feel me up, do it right
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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