dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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