dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
