I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
