WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
