haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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