Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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