put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
