I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
