No awkward lesbian experiences without me
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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