cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
