would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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