Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
