i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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